Lesson of the Week: Behavior and Needs

Behavior and Needs

When I meet with parents one on one for consulting, the number one question I am asked is, “How can I get my child to stop [doing x]?” It’s usually something that is triggering for the adult, and so they have very little tolerance for that specific behavior. Kids are excellent at finding the thing that really gets under your skin. It could be screaming. It could be running away. Maybe melting down in public. It could be throwing food that you prepared on the floor. It could be resisting diaper changes. Whatever it is, you just want it to end! Before we can stop those behaviors, we need to take a minute to understand where they come from. What is driving them to act this way?

Every child is doing their best to get their needs met.

When they are screaming, running away, refusing to eat, whatever it is, there is a need they are attempting to meet. Your child is doing their very best to get a need met at that moment with the skills and knowledge they have gained over their brief few months or years of life. Their choices might seem bizarre or counter intuitive, but based on their limited life experience, their body and sensory system decided this was the way to do it.

It would be infinitely easier if they could just say, “I’m starving, please feed me” or “I missed you today, and I really need some quality time”. When you start identifying these needs from birth, parents sometimes think life will be so much easier once they start to talk. They will be able to tell us why they broke down when we gave them the blue cup, and we can hear how they wanted the red one. We can tell them it was in the dishwasher, or we can wash it, and all will be well! While increased communication will solve some issues, it will not solve all of them.

Most often their needs are complex, or they do not have words for them, even if they are talking. They are convoluted or confusing, and the child has not really worked out logically why they are acting out the way they are. Truthfully, adults often lack this level of introspection. Are you always aware of why you snap at your partner? They might be missing you and noticing you have been extra distracted this week, but they can only recognize they feel sad or upset. They might actually be needing a break from you, just like you do from them sometimes, but they have no idea how to articulate that and act extra clingy and whiny. They might be exhausted but have the zoomies. Our needs can show up in an infinite number of ways.

No matter the behavior, understanding they are doing their best to get their needs met encourages you to take a step back from the frustrating moment and look at it with fresh eyes. It changes the question from, “how do I get them to stop right now?” to “how can I meet their need in this moment?”. Meeting the need becomes your priority, which is as it should be. And often, the behavior melts away when we meet their need.